The River Within - Part 1

I like to think of a life as a river.

When I  compare various facets of a human life to those of a river its hard not to draw parallels.

Let me explain.

At their origin, when they are only headwaters such as a bubbling spring, a pile of melting snow or a large downpour of rain, no one knows what is to become of them.

Some stay exactly as they are, some of them coalesce and become bigger, growing into rivers as they go along.

A few rivers run far and deep, coursing through hundreds and thousands of miles creating wonders along the way, branching out into tributaries that provide life sustaining water to millions of people. 

Other rivers, are shorter and shallow. 

Similarly, no one can predict the full potential of a baby at its birth, or how their actions will influence the world in big or small ways.

Every single individual among the the billions of people on earth follows their own unique path that together build, sustain or destroy this place we call home. 

Its not easy to alter the course of a river, the larger it gets and the longer it runs that hard it is to modify its path, it ultimately takes a force stronger and larger than itself to permanently change its direction.

Ultimately all rivers big or small seem to be in pursuit of uniting with a body of water much bigger than themselves, a lake or the ocean.

Even in these aspects its hard not to notice a likeness between rivers and our lives.

Generally speaking, as we grow older it becomes harder for us to change our ways both in our way of living and our manner of thinking.

Its takes something really profound and meaningful to permanently alter behaviors and thought patterns that we have assimilated over the years.

And ultimately regardless of our personal beliefs its hard to deny a constant deep seated longing within us that I believe arises from a desire to reunite with the force that created us all.

When I look back at the 36 years of my existence, I can remember a handful of events that shaped my life & altered its course.

I am fortunate that not all but most of them changed things for the better.

As I have grown older, I have noticed fewer of such circumstances.

Christmas 2021 was special for one big reason.

My son was born that year.

Seeing him and holding him for the first time as he cried and opened his beautiful eyes to greet the world is a moment that I will cherish forever.

On Dec 26th, Sunday, the day after Christmas, I decided to attend mass at church.

I had moved to the Pacific Northwest almost 2 years prior and I had been repeatedly postponing going to the Indian church in the city. 

There was the pandemic of course but when it comes to attending church services I find that there is no shortage of excuses my mind can create.

This Sunday I was determined.

I could not miss going to church this year, I just couldn't. 

It had rained the previous night as it had for the 5 nights before and on this morning there were weather reports suggesting few snow showers.

As I looked out the window of our living room hastily drinking my coffee, I thought to myself how benign and perhaps magical the words 'snow' & 'showers' sounded when mentioned together.

My father in law woke up rather early that morning and he quietly watched me run around the living room grabbing my keys, my shoes, my jacket and the rest of my coffee before heading for the door.

We speak different languages so I smiled and waved at him but to my surprise he didn't smile back but returned my gesture with a cautious look.

He then pointed at the driveway outside and shook his head side to side with an ominous expression.

I knew he was concerned about the weather, and understood correctly that he was trying to get me to reconsider.

I smiled again and shrugged my shoulders suggesting that what we were looking at was nothing.

I hopped into my car excitedly. I was finally about to attend mass in the language of my ancestors for the first time since leaving Chicago, and going to meet people I only knew so far by text messages.

The band 'Third Day' has an album called 'Christmas Offerings' which is by far my favorite album for the holiday season. Listening to their version of the classic 'Angels we have heard on high' on Christmas day is a tradition of sorts for me.

The songs from the album lifted my spirit as I cruised along our streets pleased that the roads were nearly empty.

A few snowflakes graced my windshield, but they flew away almost as quickly as they appeared.

Clearly the weather was going to be good enough for me to drive 30 miles into the city and back, compared to the winters I had experienced in Chicago for 4 years this was nothing I told myself.

But little did my ignorant self know that living in a city where it snows and driving in one are two completely different things.

Nearly 20 miles into the journey my confidence was at an all time high.

My first hint of the trouble that lay ahead would come moments later when I got off the exit to enter Renton. 

On the curve I gently pressed on the brakes as I have done a thousand times before on exit ramps and instead of smoothly completing the turn my car abruptly swerved left and then right in a manner I had never experienced before.

I immediately snapped out of my reverie.

Sure, there were only a few snowflakes falling from the skies at the time but little did I know that the road underneath me had slowly over hours of freezing temperatures turned into ice.

From that moment on in my journey every time I hit the brake I was reminded of the look on my father in law's face.

'Just drive slow and don't brake when turning' I told myself, as I turned down the music to focus harder on the task ahead.

Within a matter of minutes the light outside dimmed, the skies quickly lost their crisp glow and turned gloomy dark grey.

As I waited for the lights at a traffic stop to turn green the snow showers morphed into a full blown snow storm. 

In a matter of seconds the entire landscape around me turned white.

'A few deep breaths and you will be at the church' I said out loud to myself trying to stay positive. 

Barely 300 ft from the church I took a wrong left turn and entered a housing community.

When I backed up I realize that my rear wheels would not move. 

The cars tires were not designed to handle snow and regardless of how hard I pressed on the gas pedal the car wouldn't budge. 

To my good fortune there weren't any other cars out that morning in the area so with a lot of difficulty and wild maneuvering I managed to maneuver my car out back to the main street.

This was it for me.

Too many warnings to keep going.

I had to return home.

The ramp to the highway that looked empty on my way was now crowded with cars like mine that struggled to keep moving on the icy wet road. 

I quickly found myself alternating between two motions.

Pushing down on the brakes all the way just to get a little traction and pressing down on the gas pedal just to move a few inches. All the while apprehensive that I would either bump into someone else or have some crash into me.

I wasn't sure if my car would survive the drive back home, that is even if we made it.

My phone screen lit up with brief messages from my wife enquiring if I was doing ok.

I wanted to tell her the truth - I wanted her to know that I was scared and it looked really bad outside. 
But I knew this would serve no purpose but to worsen the anxiety of everyone at home.

'I'm ok, heading back now'. I replied looking at the fuel gauge showing me I couldn't keep the car running this way for too long.

Feeling physically exhausted I got off the ramp finally and hit the highway.

Although disturbingly bumpy once the car gained some momentum on the interstate things calmed down, just a little.

I quickly realized that I had to use the deftest of touches while breaking and make the gentlest of turns.

As the exit ramp to take me home approached the uneasiness within heightened as I dreaded the idea of getting stuck again.

To my pleasant suprise greenlights greeted me on every stop and I kept the momentum going, 3 more miles and I would be home. 

The thought of being enveloped in the warm embrace of my wife and child lightened my soul.

The car strained, slowing down to a snails pace as I drove uphill to the last traffic light on my way home, the lights were still green and I prayed that the car ahead of me wouldn't stop but keep going.

It didn't, the lights turned red and my heart sank.

My hear rate quickened as each second went by, as the snow fall around me grew stronger I almost could feel my tires getting stuck to the ground beneath.

The lights turned green and I realized that my biggest fear in that moment just became a reality.

No matter how hard I pressed on the gas pedal my rear tires would not budge.

I was stuck again and there was no denying it.

I scrambled out of the car, trying hard not to slip on the ice, frantically moving piles of snow off my tires in the back which to my dismay made no difference.

Other cars like mine accumulated to my left and right, many of us were in a similar situation.

My phone screen lit up again, and it was time to tell my wife the truth.

'I will be late'. I replied, not knowing what else to say and not sure how she would interpret this.

After what seemed like eternity, two kind gentleman got out of their cars and volunteered to physically push the cars that were stuck so they can get them off the hill.

A sweet sense of relief flooded my veins when the car started moving again and started gaining pace.

I regretted not being able to get out of the car and thank them personally, we had to keep moving.

With just under a mile to go my spirit was revived.

I cautiously crossed the last intersection that lead to another stretch of road downhill. Two more turns one right and one left and I would be home. 

The road ahead of me and behind me were now empty, everything I could see was covered in snow.

I gingerly pressed on the brake pedal as the car made its way down the road gaining speed. I shuddered struggling to keep the vehicle balanced, anything I seemed to do no matter how small in intensity made the car jolt and swerve.

As I neared the turning the car was moving at a speed very uncomfortable for me, so I hesitatingly pressed harder on the brakes.

To my horror they car refused to slow down.

At the corner I rammed my foot down on the brakes as hard as I possibly could while simultaneously turning the wheel, unwittingly doing the worst possible thing in that situation.

The car spinned out of control heading furiously towards an electricity pole, I frantically turned my steering wheel in the opposite direction but to no avail.

I stared helplessly at the tall iron pole in front of me, my heart in my mouth as in a split second my car skipped off the curb and slammed into it with a deafening crash.

To be continued......