The River Within - Part 3

The days following the car crash were stressful.

I was scheduled to resume work the following morning with no time off for 7 straight days. 

The heavy snowfall had caused significant disruptions, and it would take the city weeks to clear the roads. 

Driving was still extremely risky, not to mention my car was no longer in a drivable condition.

Due to the proximity to Christmas, renting a vehicle was not a viable option, and with the ongoing pandemic and the severe supply chain crisis, there were very few new cars available for purchase. The ones that were on the market were significantly overpriced. 

While these challenges were certainly inconvenient, they were not insurmountable. 

Eventually, the ice would melt, and I would be able to purchase another car despite the high demand & when it came to work, I had supportive colleagues who were willing to cover my shifts if I were unable to attend.

The part that hit me the hardest, was that I found myself drowning in a sea of self-doubt. 

No matter how hard I tried to swim, I couldn't reach ashore. 

Usually, in times like these, I would turn to my faith to regain my focus. But this time, for some reason, it didn't provide the solace I needed. 

I became pessimistic and frustrated with myself, and to make matters worse, I began playing the role of the victim. 

Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong? Where was God when everything went wrong?

Was God no longer watching over me? Had the protective shield I believed I carried all these years disappeared? After nearly tripping several times had I finally fallen from grace? 

For nearly two decades I read the Bible and prayed every single day, and now, I stopped. 

For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was standing on shaky ground. 

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. 

Although life seemed normal on the outside, I continued to struggle internally. 

What saved me was a childhood memory that lay buried deep within my mind, it appeared serendipitously helping me begin the challenging task of pulling myself out of this sinking quicksand.

My high school campus was quite beautiful. 

There were lush trees all around, a large well-maintained garden, smooth roads lined with elegant street lamps, and meticulously planned playgrounds and parking areas. 

When it came to the actual school building, there wasn't anything particularly remarkable. 

The large irregular structure was a mix of older buildings with tiled roofs and newer ones, all sporting a stony exterior. 

Inside, the walls were all painted white with lime they left a powdery residue on our uniforms if touched even slightly. 

All things said, I must give credit to our teachers for doing their best to make the interiors of the buildings more appealing.

One particular detail I personally found very enjoyable.

The hallways on the lower level of the main school building were adorned with beautifully hand-painted short stories on large wooden panels spaced perfectly apart.

These tales were filled with wisdom & very easy to comprehend.

Two of those stories I remember better than the others.

The one hanging right next to the principal's office had a story about Abe Lincoln. 

The one next to our classroom was from an unknown source and is more relevant to this blogpost.

The tale revolved around a man who walked side by side with God each day. 

He could always tell God was close by due to the second set of footprints that trailed behind him wherever he went. 

One day, the man lost his path and found himself in a desert. 

He felt comforted upon spotting God's footprints beside his own. 

The heat got worse as he journeyed on, and his strength slowly but surely waned. 

He constantly checked to see if God was still following him and was shocked to find only one set of footprints when he was at his lowest point nearly dead.

Despite weeping inconsolably and voicing his grievances, the second pair of footprints never appeared.

Against all odds, he eventually made it home. 

The next day, he noticed God's footprints trailing behind him once again. 

He halted, turned around & shouted in frustration, "Where were you when I needed you the most? Why did you disappear when I was at my weakest?" 

When he finally settled down God replied.

"I never left you, my child". 

"I was carrying you through the desert when you could no longer walk."

Tears filled my eyes when I remembered this story and as I realized how closely it mirrored my own situation. 

Similar to the protagonist in the story, I realized that God hadn't forsaken me; He was carrying me through safely the whole time.

On a typically busy road, there wasn't a single soul or vehicle in sight when my car suddenly spun out of control. 

The traffic pole that stood in the way prevented my car from crashing into the neighboring house. 

Although my car was completely wrecked, I miraculously emerged from the incident without a single scratch. 

Being just a short distance from home my family was able to swiftly come to my aid, and to top it off, my car ended up in a spot that didn't obstruct traffic. 

A shiver runs down my spine when I think about all the ways things could have gone horribly wrong. 

The positive outcomes extended beyond the immediate aftermath of the crash.

Since the incident, my driving skills have substantially improved. I've become more cautious, I take weather warnings more seriously now and, and I am teaching myself to trust the gut instincts of people other than just myself.

The most significant outcome of this ordeal was that it prompted me to question the depth of my faith, something I had been hesitant and fearful to do. 

Years ago, I started reading the Bible with the intention of excelling academically, but as I delved into the life and teachings of Jesus and made feeble attempts to apply them, my life underwent a remarkable transformation. 

Over time, my Bible reading and prayers became mere rituals, losing their purpose of drawing me closer to God and instead becoming a form of insurance against His wrath. 

I had built a house of cards, I was convinced that my faith was unshakeable and that I possessed all the answers to life's most important existential questions.

When it all came crashing down, I found myself utterly lost and vulnerable. 

The accident ignited a much-needed personal and spiritual awakening. 

I broadened my thinking and started again, taking baby steps towards what I hope will lead to a more genuine relationship with God and nature.

I've passed by the crash site countless times now, and the only physical trace of the incident left is a deep mark on the traffic pole my car collided with, and much like many things in life this too is fading. 

Yet, whenever I approach that intersection or catch sight of snowflakes, I can't help but feel a mix of unease and a nudge to reconnect with my soul. 

These are moments when I reflect on my relationship with God - Do I sense His presence beside me, do I listen for His guidance?

This series of blogposts began by drawing a parallel between life and the course of a river. 

As a river gains strength and length, it requires a force stronger than itself to change its direction. 

The incident that occurred to me served as one of those obstacles. 

All rivers eventually merge with a body much bigger than themselves - a larger river, a vast lake, or an ocean. 

I believe a similar process occurs with us at the end of our life's journey.

Our souls unite with the source of all life.

As you navigate through your individual journey and the river that is your life runs through its own unique course, I wish for you to discover happiness and find meaning in both the small and significant, the shallow and the deep parts of your journey. 

I hope you find resilience and hope when facing all kinds of obstacles, knowing that ultimately, you are destined to unite with something far more powerful and extraordinary that you can imagine.

Until next time,

TGV