The River Within - Part 2

"What was the last thing on your mind when the car went out of control"? My wife asked, ending the long silence in the our room.

I thought about it for a few seconds and spoke softly to keep our son from waking up.

"I was worried how mad you were going to be at me when I got home".

This was the truth and it made her laugh.

I could feel my facial muscles stretch realizing this was the first time I smiled after the accident.

It was a stressful and sombre day for everyone at home.

I looked out the window and the snow was still falling although much more gently.

My wife slowly drifted off to sleep while I stayed awake playing the events of the day in my head over and over again. 

By the next afternoon our insurance company had been notified, the car had been towed, and the police had filed an official report. 

After talking myself out of it several times, I ultimately braved the cold and walked to the site of the crash.

Our neighborhood looked as though someone had taken a paintbrush and covered everything in white.

Cars moved slowly up and down the road, some with snow chains on their tires.

I slipped and fell several times on the icy sidewalks.

As I got closer, I felt my heart beat faster and stronger.

I recalled the airbags deploying instantly on impact, and the smell of burnt plastic enveloping the cabin.

I remembered how the car windows wouldn't open and how my door was smashed stuck.

On arriving at the site I saw small shards of plastic and glass underneath the traffic pole which now bore a large gash left behind by the collision.

I stared at all this blankly, not knowing that my life was never going to be the same again.

My teenage years were rough, at least for the first half.

Looking back, I wish someone took the time to talk to me about what I was to expect.

I was not prepared for the many challenges I would face at least in part due to the physiological changes developing in me. 

Without realizing it in a matter of a few months I went from being a cheerful, goofy child to a resentful, cynical and unfocussed youngster without direction or purpose. 

My grades began to drop, I became increasingly short tempered, I gave up on my hobbies, and made new friends with whom I got into trouble more often than not.

I started struggling with insomnia and I gained a considerable amount of weight, so much so that I started buying clothes one or two sizes higher than my fit. 

It was as though I knew things would only get worse, and they did.

The most significant of many wake up calls for me was nearly failing ninth grade.

Academically, 10th grade is one of the most important years at school in India. 

Regardless of how well you did or didn't do in the preceding years, your 10th grade scores dictated the path you took in the future. 

The coveted route of the sciences were off limits if you didn't quite meet a certain threshold. 

I really didn't want to disappoint my family and the pressure was beginning to mount.

I got off to a decent start at school that year, my fear drove me to study and work harder than usual, but a few months later, the old patterns began to emerge and I started to slide.

What was different though was that I was fully aware that something was wrong and that something had to change, now.

My mom has never shied away from giving us children advice, I am very grateful to her for this as she tends to be correct a lot of the time.

The most consistent instruction we received from her in our childhood was to make reading the Bible a part of our daily routine.

I only paid heed to this advice when afraid of failing an exam or when worried that Santa might not bring my Christmas gifts, and that was it, I maybe read the Bible once or twice a year.

Sensing I was lost and needing direction, my mother once again suggested I tried making reading the Bible a habit.

After all I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

With all others doors closing around me, I decided to give this a shot and I started by reading one chapter from the gospels every evening.

The first thing that struck me was realizing that I knew so little about the religion that I proudly proclaimed to be practicing. 

Within a matter of days I began to notice a change in my attitude, I was more patient, I stopped hating my private tuition classes, I dressed different and I slept better, I even started waking up early to get ready in time for school, something I struggled with for ages.

As far as reading the Bible goes I didn't miss a day, I enthusiastically completed the gospels and the book of acts.

When I reached the book of Romans I struggled. 

St.Paul had written this book more like a sermon than a story. I persisted and read my way to chapter 8 but I knew I was not absorbing it as well as I had previously.

I was alone at home one afternoon when all of a sudden I remember being overcome by terrible loneliness, and a sense of fear and doom. 

It was an unfamiliar and overwhelming feeling that I couldn't shake off.

Without anyone around to talk to and not knowing what else to do I took the Bible off the shelf and started reading the book of Romans from chapter 1 again. I paid close attention to every word, reading out loud when I encountered something that I didn't understand.

By the time I got to chapter 8 a strange thing happened, teardrops fell on the pages of the Bible I was reading, first a few then too many to count.

I hadn't fully realized it till then but I was crying uncontrollably.

When the tears finally stopped and I washed my face I noticed a calm come over my soul, a sense of peace unlike anything I had ever experienced before.

My mother came home from work about an hour later.

She felt something was different about me and she kept asking me if I had been alright. 

Mom would be the first to notice that I was not the same person.

My life took a turn for the better that afternoon.  

I consciously started walking down a path that would take me away from a road I am convinced would have brought me and my family a lot of pain.

I never felt that alone again, and wherever I went I carried with me a sense of protection and safety brought upon by powers I perceived but couldn't see. 

For nearly 2 decades after this afternoon when I committed my life to God, I religiously read the Bible at least once every day, often twice.

Only on rare occasions would 24 hours pass without me reading a Psalm or a chapter from the new testament. 

These instances became even more scarce when smartphones became a part of my life, I could now access the Bible anywhere I went and at any time I wanted.

Reading scripture was not the only practice I added to my daily routine, I did a few more things that I felt strengthened my faith in God and I followed them as strictly as possible.

My faith would be tested again and again in the years that followed but none of them could compare to the changes I went through after I ran my car into that traffic pole that snowy morning after Christmas in 2021.

To be continued.....